Who am I?!

Started reading the book last night and felt as though the author was telling my life story! I have been in denial for years, ashamed of who I was. I now know that it is not only okay, but healthy to own all of me...the good, the bad and the in between. I have an eating disorder. Like the students I teach, I have a label. It identifies what  I struggle with, but it does not identify who I am. I have lied, hid and denied thinking I was fooling everyone who knew me. How wrong I was because despite hiding the trash after I downed a entire package of cookies , pretending to order for 2 at the drive-thru and shoving the trash from a morning run to McDonald's into my cup to act as though I only had a soda everyone could see what I couldn't. However, I know I am not alone. Apparently, emotional binge eating is more common than anorexia and bulimia combined, but because those disorders are associated with Hollywood and glamour they get the spotlight! As I read the first 2 chapters of this book, I heard other women saying, feeling and doing the exact same things I have done. I was underlining and noting as I read about the experiences of these ladies. The "assignments" at the end of each chapter give yet another opportunity to own your shortcomings and at the same time begin to heal. One of the questions of chapter 1 asks what terms I would use to describe my issues with food. The terms I used were: obsessive, emotional, unhealthy, disgusting, out of control and insane. WOW! That is like a majorly shitty boyfriend. You know, the kind I have been warning my friends about? Yep, I get it...just like they need to change their relationships with the men in their lives, I need to change my relationship with food! Chapter 2 is all about behaviors all emotional eaters have in common. In the end, it is not the eating habits that are the problem because they are a symptom of something larger. I have heard this many times, but have avoided thinking about what it really is that causes me to overeat. You see I do it whether I am sad, mad, happy, lonely, depressed, stressed...you name it!  Well, this time I really stopped to think. Think about when and how food became this "comfort" to me. I did not see the consequences of overeating (weight gain) until my late 20's, but when I think about it I realize the habits were there long before that. The issues began way back in 6th grade. I had gone to school with the same kids since kindergarten and had tons of friends until my 6th grade year. I faced bullying daily, terrible bullying! All of the kids who had been my friends, the first friendships I had made...beat me up daily at recess. They would come at me in a large group and start shoving me, calling me names and eventually punching me until the bell rang. Where were the adults? I have no idea, but it was the 70's and bullying was not a common school theme so I endured this for months and months. I sat by myself at lunch with my only friend, food. And so it begins...I have discovered that I choose food to avoid rejection. My thinking is that people reject me because of my weight not because of who I am. Food has been my protection, my love, my stability!  It continued into adulthood when I was rejected by my son's father and my family(when I became pregnant). Food was there, has always been there and when I eat I feel comfort. Inside I have beat myself up over and over again because even though the food makes me feel better when I overeat it brings me shame and guilt. Well, now I know I do not have to be ashamed, feel guilty or beat myself up.  I am not weak, I am a woman with a disease that I am beginning to heal from. That does not make me a bad person or someone who deserves to be ridiculed. Yet another reason why I thank each and every one of you for following my blog and supporting me. Your true friendships are helping me heal, these relationships are teaching me that I am worthy. I have learned that I have so much to offer this world and the people in it. If someone chooses to reject me, that's okay. I also know that my God has a plan for me. He believes in me and He is watching over me every step of the way. I apologize for the length of this post, but I do feel it is important for me to share everything. I hope to touch someone else who is suffering. To help another heal:)  God bless you all! Oh yeah, Murphy and I were like postal carriers tonight...rain did not stop us from walking. LOL

My Message from God for today...

After reading this, I could not help but share:)


On this day of your life, Chris, we believe God wants you to know ... that God has an important purpose for you, and made everything possible for you to succeed.That's not to say it's an easy purpose, or a convenient one. It might very well seem hard or even impossible, but it only looks that way. The truth is that one day you will look back and see how all the pieces fit together. And how your life has been a complete and utter success.

Reading is Learning...

My book arrived today! "Food, The Good Girl's Drug: How to Stop Using Food to Control Your Feelings" I have only read the forward, but I look forward to reading this book and learning more about myself. I am still on track and walking has now become something I look forward to (Murphy does too!). I am trying to teach Murphy to bring me his leash so if I try to slack, he will guilt me into doing it...LOL! One rule that has been a bit challenging to follow is that the kitchen is closed at 7pm. I do a ton of self talk in the evenings to stay focused. I do notice that my focus has not been consumed by food as it had been in the past. Lose It! is a fabulous app...it totally helps me to make better choices because I can search the caloric value instantly.  If you hate journaling like I did, this app makes it simple:) Until next time...God Bless! C~

4, 4. 4!!

Upon the scale this morning and I am down 4 pounds!!  So happy and excited:)  Thanking God for his strength and guidance. Thanking all of you for your support. Off to work I go:)

Holiday weekend!

I made it through the holiday weekend with mostly success.  Last week, I was over my calorie count by 69 calories. I am not stressing though because I reduced my daily amount by 250 from what Lose It allowed me.  Tomorrow is the day of my weigh in. Praying results are going to show even if it is small. I missed walking on Saturday and Sunday due to gatherings with family and friends, but did some swimming and today went for 2 walks!  I am working hard and praying continually for strength and guidance. Thanks to my one and only follower at this point, Wendy!  You have been there for me through so much and continue to support me with every step I take. I appreciate you more than ever and love you dearly!

30 minutes...a giant step!

I was sitting here on my couch doing my usual mindless stuff on the computer when an urge hit me.  I put the computer aside, put on my shoes and Murphy started going nuts.  As we headed out the door, it started to rain. Now, normally this would be enough to make me sit back down, but this time I took a deep breath and told Murphy we were going to go anyway because we won't melt. Off we went and I said a prayer for God's strength and healing in my body, but mostly my feet. I praised Him as I walked, for I had no pain outside of the normal discomfort that goes along with being overweight and exercising! The rain dribbled and we surged on, the trees protecting us from melting...lol  30 minutes later we made it home and into the house. Not a minute later the clouds opened up for a steady moderate rain. I do believe God was up there watching me and holding the water for that 30 minutes while He encouraged me to continue by keeping the pain at bay. I feel great!! Thank you for stopping by and showing your support. Much love:)

Moving and shaking...

Thought I was done posting for a couple of days, but I just went for a walk. I made it for 25mins, which is a new mark for me since all the medical stuff. My feet started killing me and cramping at the 10 minute mark, but I started praying for God to take that pain so I could do this! I know if I can walk without the pain in my feet, I would do it every day!  I know my legs are weak and I need to build up, but I am praying for God to heal my feet once and for all. I have good shoes and inserts so please take the pain!! Thanks for stopping by and any encouragement would be appreciated:)

Baby steps

I am doing well with things at this point. I am not hungry, eating healthier foods and the right amount of calories! All those things are great to report. I am using Lose It! app on my phone to track food and calories. It is making me think before I put something into my mouth (imagine that!). Still waiting for my book to come....I am so impatient. However, I will not getting on the scale until the 1 week mark. I do not want to be discouraged if the numbers are not what I want to see. Just a quick check in today. Have a great Memorial day weekend and thank you to all who have served and are serving our country. I am so humbled by your courage and unselfishness as you sacrifice so much to protect others. God bless you all!

One day at a time

Well, I'm doing great with eating better thus far (I know it's only been a couple of days). This is a constant battle for me. Food has a hold on my soul and every emotion I feel is covered up by grabbing some food. (Boy is that painful to admit) I have been engaged in self-talk, mostly in the evening to keep myself from grabbing food. I just ordered a book on emotional eating and I anxiously await its arrival. I have avoided dealing with the emotional end of this for so long since it is painful, but I know I need to do this. After making it through the past 2 years and all the physical pain, I know I can do it if I put my mind to it. If you see me and I am not my normal happy self, please understand what is going on deep inside me and give me a hug!  I am so blessed to have so many amazing friends in my life who love me for who I am, but will also support me in who I want to be. I thank God every day for my family and friends. I am asking God daily for His strength and guidance in this journey. I know He is forever at my side and I want to honor Him by treating my body better.  That's it for now as I am off to work.  Lots of smiles with my kiddos. Have a blessed day and thanks for stopping by!

My life today

My life changed dramatically in June 2010.  I went into the hospital for a hysterectomy due to PCOD. During the surgery my bowel was perforated and I developed a severe infection. What was supposed to be a over night stay at the hospital turned into a 5 week stay! I was on life support and had to learn how to walk and write again. As I recovered from this illness, I discovered a brain tumor which required surgery and later a hernia due to the compromised condition of my abdominal muscles. I suffered from several other complications which resulted in a total of 8 surgeries in 2 years. I know that I am here for a purpose, a reason. God has a plan for me! My body has weakened tremendously through all of this and as a result I struggle to engage in most forms of exercise.  I do not want to let this stop me, and I know this will be a long process to build myself up, but I also know the athlete is still in there somewhere!

How it all began

My story begins long ago. As a child, I was the girl who wore size 14 slim because I was just that thin.  I was an active child and that continued into my teenage years. I spent my high school years as 3 sport athlete. Not a superstar, but a Varsity athlete none the less. During this time I wore a size 7-8. I graduated high school and went away to college. I gained the freshman 15, but lost it over the summer after my freshman year and was in the best shape of my life (a size 3-4).  I dropped out of college during my first semester of sophomore year and moved back home, became a CNA and worked full time. I gained some weight and wore a size 9-10.  A couple of years later I had my son. At 9 months pregnant I weighed 207#. I wore a size 16 after he was born and thought I was so fat. Shortly there after I moved to Arizona to raise my son. I remained the same size until about 5 years later. I started back to college and my son started kindergarten.  My weight ballooned and I have struggled ever since. I have since graduated college, moved back home to Wisconsin, gotten my Master's degree and taught for 10 years. I have succeeded in so many areas of my life, but this is the one area I fail again and again! I have dug up some pictures to document the changes in my weight over the years.  It is so painful to look at them and realize what has happened to me over the years, but I am hoping it will help me be honest with myself about where I am now.  I often find myself saying, "I would kill to be the size I was when I thought I was so fat!"

The beginning...

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. I have ventured partially down this road time and time again, only to return to the same place I started. I am scared I am setting myself up for failure by putting my experience out there, but I also know I will find support along the way. I am trying to lose weight and become a healthier me. As I reflect back over my life, it is hard to pinpoint exactly where my problem with weight began. I have decided to use pictures to explore this subject, in an attempt to better understand what happened to me over the years.  I am blessed to have none of the life threatening numbers or illnesses that go along with obesity, but I know that it is just a matter of time before that happens, statistically. I know I am very lucky at this point. However, I do not want to push my luck! So I have uploaded My Fitness Pal on my iPhone and stocked my refrigerator with healthy choices. I also know that I need to ask the Lord for strength and will power during this phase of my life because it is by His grace that I am here. If you have any tips or want to send encouraging words, please feel free. However, I ask that you keep the negativity to yourself. This is a difficult challenge and negativity will not motivate me, but discourage me. So here it goes...