Who am I?!

Started reading the book last night and felt as though the author was telling my life story! I have been in denial for years, ashamed of who I was. I now know that it is not only okay, but healthy to own all of me...the good, the bad and the in between. I have an eating disorder. Like the students I teach, I have a label. It identifies what  I struggle with, but it does not identify who I am. I have lied, hid and denied thinking I was fooling everyone who knew me. How wrong I was because despite hiding the trash after I downed a entire package of cookies , pretending to order for 2 at the drive-thru and shoving the trash from a morning run to McDonald's into my cup to act as though I only had a soda everyone could see what I couldn't. However, I know I am not alone. Apparently, emotional binge eating is more common than anorexia and bulimia combined, but because those disorders are associated with Hollywood and glamour they get the spotlight! As I read the first 2 chapters of this book, I heard other women saying, feeling and doing the exact same things I have done. I was underlining and noting as I read about the experiences of these ladies. The "assignments" at the end of each chapter give yet another opportunity to own your shortcomings and at the same time begin to heal. One of the questions of chapter 1 asks what terms I would use to describe my issues with food. The terms I used were: obsessive, emotional, unhealthy, disgusting, out of control and insane. WOW! That is like a majorly shitty boyfriend. You know, the kind I have been warning my friends about? Yep, I get it...just like they need to change their relationships with the men in their lives, I need to change my relationship with food! Chapter 2 is all about behaviors all emotional eaters have in common. In the end, it is not the eating habits that are the problem because they are a symptom of something larger. I have heard this many times, but have avoided thinking about what it really is that causes me to overeat. You see I do it whether I am sad, mad, happy, lonely, depressed, stressed...you name it!  Well, this time I really stopped to think. Think about when and how food became this "comfort" to me. I did not see the consequences of overeating (weight gain) until my late 20's, but when I think about it I realize the habits were there long before that. The issues began way back in 6th grade. I had gone to school with the same kids since kindergarten and had tons of friends until my 6th grade year. I faced bullying daily, terrible bullying! All of the kids who had been my friends, the first friendships I had made...beat me up daily at recess. They would come at me in a large group and start shoving me, calling me names and eventually punching me until the bell rang. Where were the adults? I have no idea, but it was the 70's and bullying was not a common school theme so I endured this for months and months. I sat by myself at lunch with my only friend, food. And so it begins...I have discovered that I choose food to avoid rejection. My thinking is that people reject me because of my weight not because of who I am. Food has been my protection, my love, my stability!  It continued into adulthood when I was rejected by my son's father and my family(when I became pregnant). Food was there, has always been there and when I eat I feel comfort. Inside I have beat myself up over and over again because even though the food makes me feel better when I overeat it brings me shame and guilt. Well, now I know I do not have to be ashamed, feel guilty or beat myself up.  I am not weak, I am a woman with a disease that I am beginning to heal from. That does not make me a bad person or someone who deserves to be ridiculed. Yet another reason why I thank each and every one of you for following my blog and supporting me. Your true friendships are helping me heal, these relationships are teaching me that I am worthy. I have learned that I have so much to offer this world and the people in it. If someone chooses to reject me, that's okay. I also know that my God has a plan for me. He believes in me and He is watching over me every step of the way. I apologize for the length of this post, but I do feel it is important for me to share everything. I hope to touch someone else who is suffering. To help another heal:)  God bless you all! Oh yeah, Murphy and I were like postal carriers tonight...rain did not stop us from walking. LOL